She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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