random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
