I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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