Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
