I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
