Just cropdusted the office
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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