We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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