Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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