I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
