he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
