im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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