Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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