there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
