I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
