I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
