Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
