I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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