I think scott just propositioned me for sex
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
