we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
