Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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