Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
