im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
