Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
