So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
