sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
