your thong is hanging out like whoa
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
