I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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