My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
