Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
