life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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