dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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