I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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