Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
