My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
