It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
