You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
