how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
