1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
