What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
