Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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