i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
