her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
