So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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