I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
