how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
