Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
