If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
