hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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