What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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