Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
