My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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