remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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