someone get that fucking seahorse.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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