Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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