nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You ate ashes out of my bong
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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