I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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